Anthony here. I was in a debate with an atheist not long ago, and he seemed astonished that I believed in God. I tried to explain the cosmological argument to him, but he wouldn’t look at it. He instead repeatedly insisted that I only believe in God because I was indoctrinated as a child, or because I am afraid. He urged me to set myself free.
This got me thinking. Why do I, personally, believe in God? Is it as simple as “the cosmological argument proves it?” Human beings are complex creatures, and unfortunately we aren’t usually swayed purely by reason, especially in big, important, emotionally-fraught decisions like whether or not God exists. But on the other hand, I certainly don’t believe in God because of indoctrination or fear. I would have to say that I believe in God because the idea of God, specifically as Thomas Aquinas demonstrates, is the only thing that satisfies both my reason and my heart. It is the only thing that makes sense of the entirety of my experience as a human being.
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| http://xkcd.com/1153/ |
It started with philosophy classes in college. My idea of philosophy before those classes was of a lot of mind games with zero practicality. I’d heard of some of the famous philosophical conundrums, like Zeno’s Paradox and Hume’s denial of cause and effect, and I wondered how anyone could actually want to twist their brain up in knots like that until they held beliefs against all common sense. Of course, what I didn't realize was that there is bad philosophy and good philosophy, just as there is bad and good science.
I had to take a survey course in philosophy as a freshman. Plato’s Allegory of the Cave fascinated me. If you remember, Plato taught that there are eternal “Ideal Forms” that gives everything that exists its reality. So, for instance, a tree is only a tree in that it reflects some great Form of tree. And so on for everything. He said that there is an ideal world of Forms, and our own world is only a reflection of this ideal world. He compared our situation to someone who is chained facing a blank wall in a cave. He can’t see anything behind him, but he can see the shadows they cast. He starts to give names to the shadows and thinks they are reality.

That hit me hard, because I've had a sense, all my life, that there’s a greater reality behind what we can see. Now, I don’t just mean my religious belief. That’s a conscious, intellectual thing. No, it’s a feeling, a feeling of weightiness, of the reality of not only the things I see, but something that lies behind and, in fact, underlies them. And it is a longing for whatever ineffable thing that is. C.S. Lewis also experienced this feeling: he called it “Joy” (capital “J”). He also used the German word “sehnsucht” (pronounced “zane-zookt”), which apparently has similar connotations. I’ll use that word for the rest of this post.
Sehnsucht comes unexpectedly, and can’t be predicted or replicated. It lasts only a moment, but can leave you breathless. It is usually, but not always, awakened by some beauty in the world. My wife, who has a different temperament than I do, has said that it happens to her sometimes in interacting with people. For me, it’s more as C.S. Lewis described: “That unnameable something, desire for which pierces us like a rapier at the smell of bonfire, the sound of wild ducks flying overhead, the title of ‘The Well at the World's End,’ the opening lines of ‘Kubla Khan,’ the morning cobwebs in late summer, or the noise of falling waves.”

I have to stress that the feeling is one of longing. It’s a sudden, shattering glimpse of something, we know not what. We can’t describe it. I can use words like “higher” and “greater,” “beautiful” and “perfect,” I can put something in italics, but the words still don’t capture it. Sometimes (and this is the great power of great poets) words can give us the feeling again, another momentary glimpse, but words cannot describe what that glimpse is of. Words can’t even properly describe the feeling itself, as these stumbling words show.
For the moment that the feeling lasts, it hurts. Your soul groans with the longing. But that longing is so lovely that you would rather experience it again than any having you have ever experienced in your life.
I can remember a couple months ago driving my car listening to the soundtrack to The Return of the King. Although I’d listened to it over a dozen times, for some reason that time it hit me very hard. I can remember trying to drive the car while tears blurred my vision, and my blood roared in my ears, and my soul cried out for the beauty that I had just glimpsed and just lost.
The track was called “A Far Green Country,” which is bizarrely fitting because the title comes from Tolkien’s words which were inspired by his own experience of sehnsucht:
“And the ship went out into the High Sea and passed into the West, until at last on a night of rain Frodo smelled a sweet fragrance on the air and heard the sound of singing that came over the water. And then it seemed to him that as in his dream in the house of Bombadil, the grey rain-curtain turned all to silver glass and was rolled back, and he beheld white shores and beyond them a far green country under a swift sunrise."
And, actually, I just read those words and, I’m serious, I’ve got tears in my eyes right now. Which is wonderful because you can’t predict or control when you get sehnsucht (or I’d probably be a sehnsucht junkie). It doesn’t come when you try for it. It’s rare, and it sneaks up on you.
Anyway, back to my story. As you can imagine, when I was introduced to Plato I got excited. I hadn’t read Lewis yet. I didn’t know the word “sehnsucht.” But the idea of some greater reality underlying ordinary reality was something I already felt strongly.
But Plato wasn’t good enough. His explanation didn’t satisfy. I might see a sunset and feel longing, but I know my longing is not for some Ideal Form of the sun. I might see a green tree on a grassy hill, its leaves moving softly in a fresh breeze, and feel longing, but the longing is not for some perfect Ideal Form of a tree. It seems to point to something more fundamental, something behind not only the sun or the tree but everything else. Plato’s Forms didn’t seem to fit the bill. And indeed, Plato’s philosophy did not seem to be the best system to account for reality in general.
Fortunately, Plato wasn’t the end. We next studied Aristotle. Aristotle put the forms into the things themselves, rather than supposing some world of ideal forms to give each thing its reality. That made a lot more sense for reality in general, but, it seemed to me, it lost any connection with that strange, powerful longing. And so my opinion of philosophy was largely back to what it had been before college: pointless (if sometimes slightly interesting) conjecture.
But then my world was rocked.
I took a class on Thomas Aquinas. Aquinas took what worked from both Plato and Aristotle and reconciled them. More importantly, I learned Aquinas’ proof of God’s existence, and in the process I learned what God is, and I saw how that connected to that longing I’d been feeling, and POW. ZAP. KABOOM. (Or any other onomatopoeia you choose.) My brain exploded.
Aquinas’ cosmological argument blew my mind. Because it argues not merely that God exists, where “God” means some all-powerful creator like you learn in Sunday school, but that for anything at all to exist there must exist a certain kind of being whose existence and nature are the very same thing, who in other words is Existence Himself. This Being underlies all reality. He didn’t simply create the universe at one point and let it run. He explains why it runs, at every moment. Creation is not merely a moment of time but the continual reliance of all that exists on this fundamental Cause. Every cause and every effect, every natural law, every truth of physics, not only relies upon but its very existence is explained by this Being.
This was profound to me because the question “Why is there something rather than nothing?” had been a troubling one for me. Yes, I had been taught as a child that God had created the universe and that God was not created but “always was and always will be.” But I couldn’t understand how God existed. I was hung up on the usual atheist question, “What caused God?” But then again, I couldn’t understand how anything existed. Existence itself seemed completely improbable – nay, impossible – to me. And yet things do exist. Obviously. It was a bit disturbing to be surrounded by things that exist (including myself!) when my reason seemed to tell me that nothing should exist at all.
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| Existence is weird, man, weird! |
See, I’d been used to thinking of existence in terms of natural cause and effect. What I sensed without being able to articulate is that the question of why anything exists at all can’t be answered by appealing to the way things come into existence in nature, since that just means moving the question back without answering it. You can continue to ask, “What caused it?” forever, but if you do keep asking that question forever then you’ve never answered it. And if you’ve never answered it, then . . . how does anything at all exist?
What blew me away is that the cosmological argument took that exact problem and made it a part of its premises. It says that since we know that things do exist, then of necessity there must be something to which the question “What caused it?” doesn’t apply.
To put it a little more technically: there can be no infinite regress of contingent existents (a "contingent existent" is an existing thing that relies on something else to explain its existence), or you have not explained why any contingent existent exists. But contingent existents DO exist. So . . . there must exist some non-contingent existent, something that does not rely on anything else to exist. Something that has no cause. Something for which the answer to the question, “What caused it?” is, “Nothing: it didn’t need to be caused.” Only if you have such a being can you explain why anything at all exists.
Aquinas then goes on to demonstrate that if there exists such a Being, it means that its existence and its nature are identical. In other words, it is being, whereas we only have being. And then he shows that a Being like this has to also be all those things that are traditionally taught about God: singular, omniscient, omnipresent, absolutely simple, pure actuality, outside of time, and so on.
This is all wonderful stuff, and it really satisfied my mind. Many times my jaw dropped as the pieces fell into place, and I could see what the ramifications were, and what must necessarily follow. I can remember driving home after a three hour class in this stuff, pounding on the steering wheel as more of the implications struck me, shouting something like, “But that means that this must be true! And if this is true, it follows that that must be the case! Which explains that other thing! It all fits!” But it got even better. As I continued studying, it ended up satisfying not only my mind, but also my heart.
I was taking two classes at the time, one on C.S. Lewis, and one called Faith and Reason taught by the university president, Fr. Robert Spitzer. By sheer accident I took these classes at the same time, and they entwined perfectly. See, in reading C.S. Lewis I came across the first description I had ever encountered of that deep feeling of yearning which I had had all my life, that sehnsucht. I realized that I’m not the only person who experiences it. And then in the Faith and Reason class, Fr. Spitzer identified five “transcendentals,” five things that human beings long for in perfection, despite the fact that we can’t find them in perfection on this earth. They are perfect beauty, goodness, truth, love, and being (this last Fr. Spitzer also described as "home"). C.S. Lewis also spoke of the transcendentals, and traced a compelling argument for the fact that since everything we naturally desire exists, so there must also exist, somewhere, perfect beauty, goodness, love, truth, and being. But I already knew that they existed in perfection, because at the same time that I read Lewis, Fr. Spitzer was explaining, using reason, exactly what the transcendentals are:
If God is the Uncaused Cause, he is the source and ground of all being at every moment. Everything owes its existence to him. He is, in a sense, the single Platonic Form. It’s not that the tree gets its reality from some Ideal Tree, but that it gets its reality from God, who, therefore, has in some way all the goodness that the tree has, in order to give it to the tree. So in a sense the tree is a reflection of something more real: it reflects the goodness and being of God, who is more fundamental – i.e. more real — than the tree, and who underlies it and gives it its reality at every moment. This has some mind-blowing ramifications when you think of the transcendentals, like beauty. Where does the beauty come from? The ground of all being must also be the ground of all beauty. And if you understand (as far as we are able) the nature of God as the cosmological argument reveals it, you understand that God never simply has an attribute. He is that attribute. God could never not have anything that he has. Everything that he has is necessary to him; it is an inseparable part of his being. So, really, God never has anything; since it is his nature, he is that thing. So God is beauty. He is truth. He is love. He is goodness. And he is, of course, being itself. And so beauty, goodness, love, truth, and being are all, ultimately and at the highest level, the same thing. God.
And so I realized that the greater reality that I glimpse in moments of sehnsucht is God. He is what I long for.
(And that made what I’ve always been taught about heaven – that it consists of the Beatific Vision, the union with and contemplation of God, which had always seemed so boring to me – suddenly make sense. Why, yes, thank you, I would love to spend eternity in sehnsucht. But it’s even better than that, because it is the having where sehnsucht is only the longing. I can’t even imagine it.)
And so, after I have expended so many words on a clunky and stumbling explanation of something I feel so deeply, perhaps you can see why atheism has no appeal for me. Firstly, atheism would contradict my intellect, since the cosmological argument shows that to deny the existence of God is irrational and equates to denying that anything exists at all. It’s not that we can’t explain God. It’s that we can’t explain anything else without Him. The staggering, illogical, impossible idea of existence – of something rather than nothing – is made logical and possible by the knowledge that there exists a being whose existence and nature are identical, a being which is pure actuality with no potentiality, an eternal Now, outside of time and space and cause and effect but underlying them all.
Secondly, atheism would contradict my heart, which has glimpsed, dimly, its greatest desire. In those moments of sehnsucht I know that I am an exile, and I long for my perfect Home. Atheism would tell me that that Home does not exist, and my longing for it is an illusion. In those moments of sehnsucht I behold not simply a beautiful thing but Beauty itself. Atheism would tell me that beauty exists only in my eyes; it is an illusion, an opinion, not something that actually exists. (Which, incidentally, accounts for all that ugly modern art. Art is no longer an attempt to capture a reality external to one’s self, but a navel-gazing exercise in “self-expression.”) If atheism is true, those glimpses which rip through me, leaving me breathless with longing for a perfection beyond my experience or understanding, those glimpses which feel more real to me than reality itself, those yearnings that I would rather experience than any having I have ever had, are a lie. If atheism is true, there is nothing there.

If I were an atheist, what would I be free of? I don’t want to be free of sehnsucht, but I wouldn’t be, even if I were atheist. I would just be “free” of an explanation for it. Every time I felt it, I would have to think, “That was an illusion. There is nothing there.”
And the taste of ashes would fill my mouth.
No, I think I will keep the worldview where everything is explained. Reason is satisfied. Existence is explained. Science itself is explained, why it works, what underlies its laws. And the experiences of my heart are explained. Poetry is explained. Art is explained. Mysticism is explained. That heart-wrenching longing for perfect Beauty is explained.
Atheism would not set me free of fear. It would deny me beauty.